Dark Souls is Not Obtuse, Though You May Be Incompetent

Some spiteful bastard decided to tear the bandaid off a deep and painful wound of mine by linking me to this article written earlier in the month over at Venturebeat; though the title had me doubling over in waves of nausea, I felt obligated to press on. While I suggest you give it a once over, if only to satisfy my own sadistic need to pass along the pain, allow me to summarize: Super Metroid is apparently difficult to the point where the author believed his game to be bugged, and these difficulties arose on an hourly basis. Dark Souls is similarly obtuse, requiring some degree of clairvoyance to tackle the apparent labyrinth of systems. Call of Duty is praised for its linearity, while The Legend of Zelda serves as a shining beacon for how to tutorialize properly. Though each of these points stand upon tenuous logic at best, I would like to focus in on this ridiculous — and unfortunately prevalent — notion that Dark Souls is some sort of inscrutable enigma of a game.

Disclaimer: The following piece assumes you know how to play a video game.

Control is first granted to the player in the locked prison cell of the Northern Undead Asylum, with a white wisp hovering above the corpse a few feet ahead. Running over the body will cause a “Pillage corpse” button prompt to appear, while pressing the displayed button will trigger an animation and grant you the Dungeon Cell Key. I’ll be keeping a running tally:

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items

The cell key will open the previously locked door, opening the way to a long narrow hallway filled with orange messages on the ground. Pressing the prompted key over these messages will deliver control tutorials to the player; in this case, we are informed that the right stick operates the camera, R1 swings that sharp stick of yours, R2 performs a heavy attack, while holding the circle button in conjunction with the left stick will dash. Also, pressing R3 will target-lock enemies, allowing you to circle-strafe. They are even kind enough to give you some dummy foes to practice with. Woah! Hope that wasn’t too much to handle! Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies

Up the ladder is our first bonfire. Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Help! What is a bonfire!” No worries mate! The game plants another of those nifty messages at your feet, informing our befuddled friend that resting at bonfires will recover HP. Great to know, right? There’s much more to bonfires, as the detractors would loudly remind us; all in good time. Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP

Now, I could assume that the initiate will find themselves flattened by the upcoming Asylum Demon, but your message-reading conditioning will likely keep even the slowest of players out of trouble. However, we are met with yet another bonfire immediately after our harrowing escape. Why would there be two bonfires so close together, directly before and after a big ugly boss monster? To inform the player of the bonfires’ role as checkpoints. Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP
9. Bonfires serve as checkpoints

Another narrow hallway greets up, preceded with a message instructing the player to “Get Your Shield!”, giving due emphasis to the fact that yes, your shield is a good thing to have.

Even more messages are strewn about, as well as an annoying arrowing-slinging hollow. Open the menu with Start, and equip the damn shield by navigating to the Arms tab. Holding L1 will keep those arrows out of your beautiful body. Further on down the hallway, the game tells you how to quickly switch between those weapons and items you just saw in the Arms window. How kind! Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP
9. Bonfires serve as checkpoints
10. Open the main menu with the start button
11. Equip weapons and items in the Arms tab
12. Hold L1 to block with a shield equipped
13. Use the Dpad to quickswitch weapons and items

Want to execute silly acrobatic maneuvers to impress your friends and mystify your foes? Yet another nifty orange message informs you that pressing the circle button will cause you to backstep, and tapping it while running will perform a terrifying roll!

Speaking of rolling, the carefully-layed trap just ahead reveal a secret room, where the player receives their first Estus Flasks. Gah, a flask! People don’t even use those anymore! ****OBTUSE ALERT****

Worry not, child, Dark Souls is here with more explanations! Press X to use items! Replenish Estus Flasks by resting at bonfires! Keep your eyes open for shortcuts! Press triangle to wield a weapon with two hands! Left stick + R1 to kick! Left-stick + R2 to do a jumping attack! Resting at bonfires causes enemies to respawn! Pressing R1 while falling will execute a plunging attack — quite useful on that nasty boss monster! Attacking while behind an enemy causes a critical hit! L2 parries! Attack immediately after to riposte! Don’t know what that means? Try it out on these two mooks we put in the same room! The game is giving you so much goddamn information that it’s becoming a pain to catalog! Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP
9. Bonfires serve as checkpoints
10. Open the main menu with the start button
11. Equip weapons and items in the Arms tab
12. Hold L1 to block with a shield equipped
13. Use the Dpad to quickswitch weapons and items
14. Press circle to backstep
15. Press circle while running to roll
16. Estus Flasks restore HP
17. Press X to use items
18. Replenish Estus Flasks by resting at bonfires
19. Keep your eyes open for shortcuts back to bonfires
20. Press triangle to wield you right-hand weapon with both hands
21. Resting at a bonfire causes enemies to respawn
22. Pressing R1 while falling will execute a plunging attack
23. Attacking while behind an enemy triggers a critical hit
24. Press L2 to parry
25. Attack immediately after a successful parry to riposte

And if all that wasn’t enough for your modern gaming-baby ass, the game even rewards you for defeating the boss with something you may find more familiar: A message that reads, “Good job. Go straight ahead.”

Let that one stew for a bit. There are people out there who bitch and moan about the complexity and mechanical obfuscation of a game that tells you “Good job. Go straight ahead.” Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP
9. Bonfires serve as checkpoints
10. Open the main menu with the start button
11. Equip weapons and items in the Arms tab
12. Hold L1 to block with a shield equipped
13. Use the Dpad to quickswitch weapons and items
14. Press circle to backstep
15. Press circle while running to roll
16. Estus Flasks restore HP
17. Press X to use items
18. Replenish Estus Flasks by resting at bonfires
19. Keep your eyes open for shortcuts back to bonfires
20. Press triangle to wield you right-hand weapon with both hands
21. Resting at a bonfire causes enemies to respawn
22. Pressing R1 while falling will execute a plunging attack
23. Attacking while behind an enemy triggers a critical hit
24. Press L2 to parry
25. Attack immediately after a successful parry to riposte
26. Good job. Go straight ahead.

Congratulations! You’ve successfully made it to Lordran proper without crying to the internet about how unfair Dark Souls is. But we’re not done yet! The first thing you see after regaining control is an on-screen message that states the following: “In Lordran, level up and kindle at bonfires.”

Well would you look at that, a bonfire right there in front of your face. Some luck, that. I suspect most players would mosey on over and give that whole “levelin’ up” thing a spin. Eugh! Numbers! Stow the panic and hit the select button for a description of your character’s attributes. It’s hard to imagine the bellyaching that we’d be saved if people read the damn instructions.

Everyone knows about leveling up — it’s a basic system used in hundreds on games over the years. But kindling? That’s a new one. Try it out and you’ll be informed that you “cannot kindle while Hollowed.” No, this doesn’t make a lick of sense. Neither does “no humanity,” which appears when you select the final bonfire option, Reverse Hollowing. Let’s break down what you were just taught.

To kindle the fire, you must NOT be Hollowed. To reverse the Hollowing — which is implied to be your present state — you need humanity. So not knowing what any of these things are, we can deduce the following: Find humanity, to reverse hollowing, so that you may kindle the fire (and you really should have figured out what Hollowing is at this point). Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP
9. Bonfires serve as checkpoints
10. Open the main menu with the start button
11. Equip weapons and items in the Arms tab
12. Hold L1 to block with a shield equipped
13. Use the Dpad to quickswitch weapons and items
14. Press circle to backstep
15. Press circle while running to roll
16. Estus Flasks restore HP
17. Press X to use items
18. Replenish Estus Flasks by resting at bonfires
19. Keep your eyes open for shortcuts back to bonfires
20. Press triangle to wield you right-hand weapon with both hands
21. Resting at a bonfire causes enemies to respawn
22. Pressing R1 while falling will execute a plunging attack
23. Attacking while behind an enemy triggers a critical hit
24. Press L2 to parry
25. Attack immediately after a successful parry to riposte
26. Good job. Go straight ahead.
27. Level up and kindle at bonfires
    
28. Press Select in the level up screen to display attribute descriptions
29. Cannot kindle the bonfire while Hollowed
30. Need humanity to reverse hollowing

This is where most people break down into a wallowing fit of confusion and anger, a pitiful state easily avoided by turning around. Ah-ha, another misty bit by that well! Through careful consultation of our trusty guide, #1 and #2 will have us picking up that item in no time flat. As luck would have it, that misty bit is the humanity we’ve been hearing so much about! Three humanity, right to the inventory. Mmm.

In fairness, I don’t believe the game tells you explicitly how to access your inventory. Strike one, Obtuse Souls!

Things Dark Souls DOES NOT Teach You

1. How to access your inventory

This really shouldn’t be a problem provided you don’t have someone following you around wiping the drool from your chin.

Back to this whole humanity business. Accessing the inventory screen tells you that humanity items acts as a consumable, increasing your player humanity by one when used — note the counter in the top left. As a result, we uncover the very important distinction between consumable humanity items and personal passive humanity.

With the humanity items converted to passive, the player returns to the bonfire, eager to give that kindling bit a whirl. Using one humanity will reverse hollowing and restore your character to human form, confirming what you should have already figured about Hollowing.  The comforting plumpness of our newly-meated bodies will allow us to kindle the bonfire for one additional humanity. Doing so will grant us five additional Estus Flasks. Terrific! But how would you know that? First thing’s first. Let’s update the list.

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP
9. Bonfires serve as checkpoints
10. Open the main menu with the start button
11. Equip weapons and items in the Arms tab
12. Hold L1 to block with a shield equipped
13. Use the Dpad to quickswitch weapons and items
14. Press circle to backstep
15. Press circle while running to roll
16. Estus Flasks restore HP
17. Press X to use items
18. Replenish Estus Flasks by resting at bonfires
19. Keep your eyes open for shortcuts back to bonfires
20. Press triangle to wield you right-hand weapon with both hands
21. Resting at a bonfire causes enemies to respawn
22. Pressing R1 while falling will execute a plunging attack
23. Attacking while behind an enemy triggers a critical hit
24. Press L2 to parry
25. Attack immediately after a successful parry to riposte
26. Good job. Go straight ahead.
27. Level up and kindle at bonfires
28. Press Select in the level up screen to display attribute descriptions
29. Cannot kindle the bonfire while Hollowed
30. Need humanity to reverse hollowing
31. Humanity items are consumables, adding to the pool of passive player humanity
32. Kindling bonfires grant you five additional flasks

Not so fast!

Things Dark Souls DOES NOT Teach You

1. How to access your inventory
2. How to look at the UI with your eyeballs

With all that business out of the way, indulge your social side and talk to the dour-looking bloke over on that rock. I suspect most players, whose NPC interactions generally begin and end with “FOLLOW ME RAMIREZ,” will pass this fella over. Talk him up to discover the following:

Things Dark Souls Teaches You

1. White wisps represent item pickups
2. Pressing the X button will pick up dropped items
3. Right Stick controls the camera
4. Press R1 to attack
5. Press R2 to perform a heavy attack
6. Hold the circle button while moving to dash
7. R3 target-locks enemies
8. Resting at bonfires recovers HP
9. Bonfires serve as checkpoints
10. Open the main menu with the start button
11. Equip weapons and items in the Arms tab
12. Hold L1 to block with a shield equipped
13. Use the Dpad to quickswitch weapons and items
14. Press circle to backstep
15. Press circle while running to roll
16. Estus Flasks restore HP
17. Press X to use items
18. Replenish Estus Flasks by resting at bonfires
19. Keep your eyes open for shortcuts back to bonfires
20. Press triangle to wield you right-hand weapon with both hands
21. Resting at a bonfire causes enemies to respawn
22. Pressing R1 while falling will execute a plunging attack
23. Attacking while behind an enemy triggers a critical hit
24. Press L2 to parry
25. Attack immediately after a successful parry to riposte
26. Good job. Go straight ahead.
27. Level up and kindle at bonfires
28. Press Select in the level up screen to display attribute descriptions
29. Cannot kindle the bonfire while Hollowed
30. Need humanity to reverse hollowing
31. Humanity items are consumables, adding to the pool of passive player humanity
32. Kindling bonfires grant you five additional flasks
33. There are two Bells of Awakening to ring; one above in the Undead Church, and one below in Blighttown
34. You can acquire humanity by collecting it from corpses, being summoned, or by killing a healthy Undead
35. Climb the stairs and seek the Undead Church past the waterway
36. The man would rather die than return to Blighttown

And with that, every mewling idiot who banged their heads against the graveyard skeletons, or found themselves diced to bits by the New Londo ghosts, is silenced.

A quick about-face will reveal the highly-conspicuous waterway, and the stairs that lead to them.  You’re on your way.

So in review, Dark Souls teaches you every single possible player input — save jumping, I believe — while acclimating you to the bonfire system and giving you an solid primer on kindling, hollowing, and humanity, all without sacrificing the game’s pacing in a tedious tutorial sequence. Veteran players can blaze through everything I described here in less than ten minutes.

While there are other systems introduced later on, they are always sufficiently explained during the natural game flow. Souls, shards, embers and flask reinforcing are all clearly explained when you find the right people (merchants, smiths, smiths, and fire keepers, respectively).

So next time someone comes crawling to your leg, tears streaming down their faces, screaming, “DARK SOULS IS SO OBTUSE AND DIFFICULT AND OFFENSIVE TO MY BABY GAMER SENSIBILITIES,” you can look down with a smug smirk and whisper, “Get good,” then walk away like Robert Patrick in Terminator 2.