The Ross 117 – Day 4

Day 4 has arrived, bringing with it some of the biggest releases of the last three calendar years. These are three games I really, truly wanted to love, to the point that I took the rare step of purchasing them all at launch, full price. Great things were expected from these storied franchises, and great things I did not receive.

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108. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim [PC, 2011]

Oh Skyrim, king of gaming deception, how I was taken in by thee.

In my defense, this snake ambushed me at a time I was most vulnerable, one month deep into my employment at a local Kroger grocery store; I can scarcely remember a period where I felt so defeated. What could possibly do me better than a virtual world to lose myself in for hours at a time? After all, I had put nearly 300 of them into Skyrim‘s predecessor. And the sequel could only be an improvement, right?

If only I had known the truth. If only I had realized that Oblivion was fool’s gold; an experience so new, so fresh, so overwhelming that I would be blinded to it’s legion of missteps and inadequacies. Missteps and inadequacies Bethesda happily chose to ignore as the sales and accolades rolled in by the truckload, happily chose to ignore as they developed the next entry in their beloved series.

I had my fun, make no bones about it. Anyone would find it hard to resist the magnitude of Skyrim‘s opening hours, given free reign to explore this world massive beyond compare. But eventually the brilliant facade crumbles away, as it always does, laying bare the mechanics that define a game as a game. And when these mechanics finally show themselves, you begin to understand why Bethesda went to such great lengths to conceal them.

Being released in the same window as Dark Souls was such a revealing happenstance that you would almost think it preordained. While the two are surely not the same game, and similar in few ways, a good comparison can be made between the combat systems on display. And one could hardly think of a less flattering light to shine on Skyrim, for it then becomes so painfully clear how absolutely inept Bethesda seems to be at crafting a worthwhile fighting system.

In Dark Souls, enemy variety is king. In Skyrim, enemy variety is King Overlord Draugr. In Dark Souls, player evasiveness is fluid, strategic, and crucial. In Skyrim, player evasiveness is backpedaling. In Dark Souls, your shield is statistically predictable and of vital importance. In Skyrim, your shield is useless and completely unreliable. In Dark Souls, enemies die in seconds. In Skyrim, enemies die in minutes. In Dark Souls, your skills improve. In Skyrim, your skills level up. In Dark Souls, combat is to be savored. In Skyrim, combat is to be avoided.

There is so much more to say – leveled loot, leveled enemies, lame quests, laughable NPCs, – but I believe the point comes across. Skyrim is an incompetent mess, and yet another Metacritic embarrassment for our trade. My apologies, but this turd should have been lower.

When I step back and think, Skyrim really is more snakeskin than snake; a frail, wispy shell, empty on the inside, tricking us all into momentarily believing it is that which it never was. A true RPG.

107. Gran Turismo 5 [PS3, 2010]

I must confess up front, I really don’t have a problem with how this game plays on the track, to the point where I actually enjoyed my time with it back at launch. How this happened I haven’t the faintest idea, as I find it to be nigh-on unplayable now thanks to the DualShock 3’s positively revolting analog sticks. And let’s be honest, the moment-to-moment racing is all Gran Turismo 5 has going for it.

This generation, there was no series I spent more time playing than Forza Motorsport, sitting confidently at 500 plus hours played between the third and fourth entries. To go from those long hours with the Xbox 360 pad to fighting the DualShock is the equivalent of trading a professional basketball player’s sneakers for ice skates. The oversensitive sticks may work for a game like MLB 13 The Show, where they are properly calibrated, but I can’t post a lap in Gran Turismo without making a fool of myself.

So let’s assume I’ve got my hands on a nice racing sim setup; what with a good wheel, pedals, gearbox, all that fine stuff. Unfortunately, even this would not be able to save Gran Turismo 5 from falling into that familiar racing game trap: an awful career mode, here titled “A-Spec”, no doubt standing for “ass” or “assisted suicide” or somesuch. What you get are a series of races with different types of cars, getting progressively more advanced as you go on. If that read boring, don’t blame me.

Quite frankly, I’m sick of racing career modes that seem oblivious to the word’s definition. I want to experience a career, with rivals and points and standings and seasons and contracts and all the ancillary bits that make real life racing so compelling. Like the Gamecube’s NASCAR 2005: Chase for the Cup, except not shit.

Unfortunately, I seem to be alone, and I hold little hope that we’ll see anything more than additional cars and prettier graphics with the next gen of racing. And you know what? That’s fine with me. I’ll happily keep playing NASCAR Racing 2003 Season until someone does better.

Also B-Spec.

106. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword [Wii, 2012] [SPOILERS]

What a shame, to see my once-beloved Zelda so far down. It didn’t have to be this way, you know. They could have taken cues from the landmark Majora’s Mask, attacking each successive installment with bold innovations and unique vision. What a shame.

Perhaps I should have trusted my gut, for no matter how beautiful the screenshots looked, or how many 10/10 GotY nonsense reviews it received, I just couldn’t get excited for Skyward Sword. My limited edition $90 preorder was done half-heartedly, on the spur of the moment, and was immediately regretted. Sometimes things turn out just as you expected.

A rather pretty intro. Zelda is cute, and Groose is funny. Don’t get too attached, they won’t be around for long. Waggle controls are okay, I guess. Follow Zelda. Forest area, cool. Ghirahim was a good fight. Waggle sucks. Fire area now. Follow Zelda. Desert dungeon, right. Follow Zelda. Power-up fetch quest. Unlock the seal. Done.

I was never engaged, never entertained. It was all so predictable and dull. I hate to see one of my favorite childhood series bore me so, I really do. There’s nothing wrong with the traditional Zelda formula, but it just hasn’t been done all that well in over a decade.

Maybe that Clockwork Empire feminist fan concept wouldn’t be so bad. Different at least. Surely more exciting than whatever Nintendo is cooking up next.