E3 2013: Here Are Some Very Important Sony Opinions (Mine)

E3 2013 is in the bag, the curtain lifted on the 8th generation of gaming.  The press conferences have come and gone, leaving us to hem and haw over the fresh new product from now until November. But the question paramount in your mind is indubitably this: What are Jacob Ross’s thoughts? Fret not, dear reader, for I am here to enchant you with incisive observations and whip-sharp criticism that you’ll find nowhere else. Nowhere!

For Microsoft, it was a dark cloud looming overhead. For Sony, it was a question mark.

Vita! Vita! Guys, fellas, check it out! V-V-Vita!

I suppose Sony can’t just abandon it’s troubled handheld completely, Dreamcast style, but Vita’s presence was very much of the “get it out of the way” variety, with little to be excited about. Tearaway has a fresh look to it, but what I’ve seen of the gameplay has me a bit bored, to be honest, almost reminiscent of my regrettable time spent with the underwhelming Super Paper Mario. Final Fantasy X | X-2 HD appears to have received a loving treatment — having played neither game, I’m particularly excited to pick this one up. On my PS3.

And let’s not forget some hot new content from The Walking Dead, the 117th best game I played this gen (out of 117). One shudders to think how this pile will perform on the Vita. If it wipes your data, I’ll consider that a strength.

Fool me once, you sons of bitches…

Vita is quietly shuffled off the stage as one final trailer is queued up for The Last of Us. Though I trust it’s a sharp improvement over the wholly unremarkable Uncharted series, if only through design focus alone, I can think of few games I want to play less. As with Bioshock Infinite, Simcity, The Walking Dead, Diablo 3, Mass Effect 3, Journey, Xenoblade, Borderlands 2, Batman: Arkham City, Skyrim, Portal 2, Mass Effect 2, Skyward Sword, Uncharted 3, LittleBigPlanet 2, Gears of War 3, Limbo, L.A. Noire, Battlefield 3, Red Dead Redemption, Uncharted 2, Braid, Grand Theft Auto IV, LittleBigPlanet, Bioshock, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Fallout 3, Gears of War 2, Halo 3, Oblivion, Portal, and Gears of War, I trust that video game critics have once again completely and utterly failed to apply the basic critical fervor that is at the heart of the entire fucking profession.

But I digress.

Puppeteer seems to manage what Tearaway could not, blending solid platforming with a seriously eye-popping visual flair, recalling The Thousand-Year Door in its lavish stage-production presentation. I’ll take that over Super Paper Mario any day of the week.

Please don’t suck. Please?

I hate three things in life, chiefly. Egotistical pricks, green bean casserole, and artegaming. Rain looks like artegaming to me. Next.

Beyond: Two Souls, on the other hand, is a game I would love to see turn out well commercially; if this industry is going to shine a spotlight on gaming narrative, then it would be to everyone’s benefit if these visual novel-esque games gained in popularity. Not that I trust David Cage to create anything remotely palatable — the Middle Eastern psy ops angle is about the stupidest direction this game could have gone — but he can serve a useful purpose. I don’t necessarily expect games like Virtue’s Last Reward or the Ace Attorney series to ever break through on a mainstream level, but I’ll be goddamned if I don’t want to move the needle in that direction, even if it takes the continued evangelization of one shitty French storyteller.

Quickly, we are whisked away to a game with, in all likelihood, a superior script. I’m talking of course about the next installment in the illustrious Gran Turismo series. Like the rest of the world, I too will be waiting with bated breath for the announcement of a PS4 version, because there’s no way in hell I’m spending another second behind the wheel with a DualShock 3.

Now with concave sticks! — My dreams

Hey guys, whoa, no Rocksteady huh? Alright. Well, see you later!

PS4 time. It’s…a rhombus. Or a parallelogram? Geometry was never my strong suit. Regardless, it’s a good looking piece of console — small, sleek, and futuristic, with enough of an edge to avoid the 90’s VCR chic Microsoft opted for. For my money, it’s the best looking system since PS2, coincidentally the last console to look sexy in a vertical orientation.

this is the playstaiton 4 vidio device by sony company. hello new consloe

Some guy I don’t know appears to talk teeveesports and transmedia contentplanning and a bunch of other shit no one cares about. I respect the tried-and-true tactic of frontloading a conference with all the useless junk. They rifle though it, and we’re on our way to game land.

Everyone loves new IP, and early in a generation is the time to launch one if you want to establish a foothold, then proceed to shit all over it Assassin’s Creed style. With this in mind (the launching part, that is(I hope)) we are treated to the first original offering from Ready At Dawn: The Order 1886. It’s hard to glean much from the cinematic, in-engine-my-ass trailer other than an appealing Victorian art style and menacing creatures of the night. If it winds up a co-op monster shooter, I’ll be upending some motherfucking tables.  Consider yourselves warned.

The exact moment I bellowed “GODDAMNIT”.

Alright, it has to be said — Killzone: Shadow Fall looks kinda good. C’mon, you can admit it. Yes, it does seem to be just another shabang FPS that we all gleefully rail against year after year, but this is shaping up to be one of the shabangingest. Toss that baby into your lexicon.

I’ve never played an Infamous title, and I’m not entirely sure I ever want to. So I can’t quite say I’m quivering with anticipation for Second Son, as fancy as the particle effects may look. Let me tell you, particle effects are going to be this gen’s Crisco n’ bloom, vomited carelessly all over the gaming landscape for the next couple of years as the lazy designer’s hot new visual shorthand. When Killer Instinct is leading the charge, you should ask yourself if it’s wise to follow. Also, there was a wheely-drivey type game. It wasn’t GT6. Huh.

Elevating the “huh” levels a bit, we have Knack. Damn I wish Knack looked better, I really do. Perhaps the PS2 spoiled the industry with great 3D platformers, but it was a downer regardless to see how few of them popped up last gen. Upon its reveal, I had Knack pegged as a return to that style of game — the colorful, imaginative, franchisable type. Unfortunately, what we saw of Knack at E3 points more towards a dull, hyperlinear beat-em-up cut from the cloth of Lego. Let’s hope it isn’t wholly representative of the final product.

Reverse that for Quantic Dream’s tech demo The Dark Sorcerer. Watching in real time had me convinced that this was another of those pre-gen power demonstrations that would never be matched in the products. However, after checking out Quantic Dream’s PS3 demo, The Casting, and giving the eerily David Carradine-esque conjurer another look, I’m rather convinced that visuals like this are achievable next-gen, and that’s exciting stuff.

Something something bated breath.

E3 man of the hour Adam Boyes steps onto the stage like an outlaw steps into a saloon — head high, eyes clear, and six-shooter loading with indie lead. Transistor! Don’t Starve! Mercenary Kings! Game of the Show Octodad: Dadliest Catch! Secret Ponchos! Ray’s Dead! Outlast! Oddworld: New n‘ Tasty! Galak-Z! If not for the forthcoming smackdown, this would have been the highlight of the conference.

A close second would most certainly be the re-reveal of the newly-christened Final Fantasy XV, showing the rest of the gaming world how it’s done. You want your spiffy, multi-million dollar CG trailer? Great! Splice in gameplay footage and you’ve got yourself a stew. I was left with a big question mark regarding the game’s combat system, however. Having never experienced the Kingdom Hearts series, which apparently served as inspiration, I’m wondering how it will all play out. Final Fantasy XIII set a high bar in that department as far as I’m concerned, so we’ll have to wait and see if the action approach preserves the tactical latitude necessary for solid RPG combat.

This is roughly how it looked on my stream.

One must wonder if Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag is as painful to play as it was to watch.

Abiding the pithiness, Watch_Dogs continues to look like one seriously sweet-ass autogame. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it once more: Wake me when it’s in stores; I’m done with these scripted demos, as they do nothing to dispel my very real doubts about the agency this game is willing to afford the player.

Pop quiz — What was worse: LeBron’s criminally awkward chat with his digital replica, or The Elder Scrolls Online? Trick question; I’ve already offed myself.

In all seriousness, the answer is Fallout 4–oh hold on. IT’S MAD MAX. FROM AVALANCHE STUDIOS. If this news came as a disappointment to you, consider picking up another hobby. Please.

So here it is, the shot heard round the world (and most certainly in Microsoft’s den of evil):

The first time a Zelda-like meltdown was appropriate. Perhaps the last.

Microsoft had apparently assumed that Sony was going to happily follow them into their toxic infernoland of corporate gaming control, the place where game ownership goes to die. They assumed Sony would just as readily turn game discs into license dispensers, little more than the physical equivalent of a Steam code to be used and discarded. They assumed Sony would also apply an online check system, requiring you to connect every 24 hours lest have a $499 oversized paperweight on your hands.

Well they were dead fucking wrong, and thank God for that.

Sony, in rejecting those draconian policies, threw the most damaging haymaker in E3 history, forcing Microsoft to completely abandon their calamitous vision of the future, if only for a few years.  You can almost picture the stuffed suits scrambling around like headless chickens to put things in reverse. It feels good.

Not good is the fact that they’re still being undercut by a hundred bucks, all thanks to the piece of festering garbage known as Kinect. You want to see what “hardcore Kinect” games look like? Try Ryse, it began life as one. While I would suggest flipping the device, it is still required for the console to operate, as far as I know. Good luck getting anyone to buy it anyway.

Oh, and the dopes who suggested the no DRM hashtag campaign was pointless? Well, they were dead fucking wrong too.

Take a seat for this one: He never responded.

Closing the presser was Bungie, who brought along a meaty gameplay demo (!!!) of their ambitious new em em oh eff pee ess, Destiny. Hackneyed banter aside — seriously guys, stop doing this to yourselves — what was shown looked solid enough, if a bit too Borderlands for my liking. It’s hard to get a good read on how the game will play in the moment to moment, but Bungie has certainly earned the benefit of the doubt when it comes to delivering a great shooter.

In conclusion: Sony beat the shit out of everyone. Thank you and goodnight.