Review: Animal Crossing: New Leaf (3DS)

Hans has to go.

It’s not enough that he’s one dopey looking son of a bitch, nor that he intruded on the pristine landscape of my cliff-side abode, the peaceful spray of the waterfall now settling unceremoniously on his vomit-inducing charcoal roof. No, that’s not enough for Hans here. His was a far more odious crime.

GET OUT

Two or three days into my dictatorial lifetime term as mayor, the lovable doggy secretary Isabelle gifted me three pears as reward for some menial task — my first foreign fruit! Excited to begin a lucrative life as a orchard-tender, I planted the three pears in front of my house, organized in a square formation separated by one space each. As luck would have it, those dimensions match exactly with those of the villagers houses.

I trust you can figure out what happened.

Hans chose to use my fledgling pear trees as a foundation.

Imagine my fury when I discovered the carefully-laid arrangement shattered by the framework for some Die Hard-dipshit’s muscle palace. As the ape pumped iron and struggled to maintain the base level of sentience required to breathe, I plotted his exit in dark corners, clutching tightly the net that would bring about his downfall, and amassing a horde of pitfalls to make him question every step he took in my town.

But before I could take my first swing, something happened.

I realized, reluctantly perhaps, that I was starting to like the guy.

He destroyed my only pear trees and ruined my picturesque environment and yes, he is still as ugly as a coelacanth…but he did give me a hi-fi stereo for free. And I did once catch him watering flowers at 2 o’clock in the morning. And he even gave me an apple as penance; that it was because he was too full to eat a thirteenth was immaterial. And most of all, a new evil had infested our fair village. A half-monkey, half-penguin sin hybrid known only as “Shari”…

Swimming is a neat addition, though lightning fast lobsters will do their best to convince you otherwise.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf is something of a life simulator, provided you spend your real-world days digging up historic archeological finds and watering other people’s flowers. “People” in this case consisting of a wide assortment of deformed humanoid animals who, in their infinite generosity, will often gift you practical items like pipe organs and deer scares in exchange for making drug deliveries. So long as Bubbles continue to accidentally purchase two sewing machines at a time, the cartel holds. We’ve got a system.

In this, we see the first big improvement over the original Animal Crossing: Villager interactivity. No longer is task dispensement relegated to it’s own separate dialogue option; every exchange runs through the “chat” selection. I don’t know about you, but once I cast off the ragged regalia of Nook’s Cranny, you had to go get you own damn Game Boy back. Now the only way to avoid playing fetch is to avoid all communication entirely. Some may find it an annoyance, but hell, you can always say no — you’ll never be penalized for doing so.

More commendable is how the game utilizes greater interactivity to engender more genuine connections with the villagers. When Sally came over to my house and complimented my aloe, she became my fast favorite. When Shari refused to purchase my reasonably-priced folding chair at Re-Tail, her fate was sealed. When Buck began to call me “M-star”, I thought it was neat. When the nickname spread to everyone in the village, I starting packing a blackjack.

I don’t know how to grow those bushes, but they seem illicit.

Villagers are also much more accessible than before; partly a function of the smaller map size, and partly due to their new-found ability to enter buildings. The bridge in the middle of Dogville seems to play host to at least three villagers during every daylight hour, meaning you’ll pass them by nearly every time you head out. The rest can be found prancing about in the various retail stores around town, touring the museum, or standing awkwardly on Main Street. Even in the wee hours of the morning I can count on the loveable stubble bearing man-about-town Limberg to be pacing philosophically down on the beach, or leering through Portia’s windows — I don’t begrudge a man his perversions. It all comes together to create a sense of communal togetherness that didn’t really exist in Animal Crossing.

That’s not to say it’s without it’s problems. I wish villagers were more interactive; I wish they actually caught fish or bugs instead of pretending to, or actually came up and talked to you once in a while, or actually used the damn public works projects they didn’t help fund, or actually followed some sort of daily schedule beyond milling about aimlessly next to the bridge. Like fans fake-catching balls in MLB 13: The Show, it’s a series of neat-but-empty touches that quickly give way to laughter as, for example, Al fruitlessly stalks a common butterfly, net cocked and ready, without ever having a swing. I understand the frustration that could arise from having a rare insect stolen from you at the last second, or for your least favorite villager to strike up a conversation at an inopportune time, but I feel that would all add to the character of the community. What’s here is an improvement to be sure, but it could — and should!– be so much better.

The same could be said of the newfangled, and shamefully mangled, public works projects, an addition that is fabulous and suck-ass in equal measure. Let me break it down for you:

The Good

1. You can build a wide variety of structures through the public works system, giving your town a much needed personal touch
2. The funding of these projects dangles yet another monetary carrot in front of the player, in addition to home improvement and licking stalk market wounds so painfully inflicted.
3. Many of the projects have an impact beyond just making pretty; the campsite, for example, will play host to prospective villagers for you to woo, while the Dream Suite allows you visit a copy version of other players’ towns.

The Bad

1. You choose where to place many of these projects by walking to the desired spot and talking to Isabelle over and over and over until you are the requisite 200 feet away from anything that could possible impede on the precious personal space of your yellow bench. I wanted to build my light post right next to the bridge; thought it’d look cool. Instead, the closest I was allowed to build it was ten paces away, and it looks like shit.
2. You can’t rotate objects. I’m serious, and I’m not joking.

Almost entirely suck-ass is the game’s ordinance system, another new addition that feels like it was cooked up by a particularly talented intern at the 13th hour of development. The player is given the option, for a 20,000 bell fee, to enact one of four town ordinances, changing certain parameters village-wide. The Beautiful Town ordinance is for the budding gardeners out there, increasing flower hybridization chances and stamping out weeds and cockroaches. Avaricious sorts will find the Bell Boom ordinance to their liking, increasing Re-Tail selling and buying prices and adding an additional premium item to flip for big bucks. Finally, the Night Owl and Early Bird ordinances will keep stores and villagers wide awake deep into the night, or up at the crack of dawn, respectively. Do note these time-based ordinances have no effect on Limberg, as he seems to operate outside of established temporal parameters.

Yes, that’s right — I said finally. Shockingly, those four ordinances are all you’ll ever get. How about one that doubles the number of fish or bugs present at once in the village? Or one that raises the chance of a big turnip price spike? Or one that prevents villagers from moving out? Perhaps an ordinance to make home improvements immediate, or take an entire week at half cost?  Or makes your gullible villagers that much more loose with their hard-earned bells at the flea market? Or causes an increase in rainy conditions? I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to enacting an ordinance that grants me additional storage space. Half of those ideas are probably terrible, but the point stands.

It’s a system with so much potential for village customization that it’s positively baffling to me why Nintendo didn’t push the feature further. Tremendously disappointing.

This guy scares the shit out of me.

Luckily, New Leaf incentivizes daily play so forcefully and so effectively that the half-baked mayoral systems serve only as slightly damaged cogs in an otherwise well-oiled machine. There is so much to do in your earlier days that it can be overwhelming in the best possible way; home loans need re-payed, a developmental permit needs to be acquired, wildlife need to be caught and cataloged, the museum needs to be filled, Nookling Junction requires expansion, and so on and so on. In fact, only now, 35 hours in, do I feel myself settling into that old hour-a-day Animal Crossing routine, and even that may be attributed to my lack of funds, halting project development in it’s tracks. This is a game you could spend months, even years tinkering with; I haven’t even begun any serious city planning, what with the fancy ground tiles and hybrid flower fields. Not to mention the endless rejiggering of furniture and interior design. I’m man enough to admit my house remains a bit of a dumping ground, where I squeeze in every bit of nonsensical decor my oh-so-kind neighbors hoist upon me. I think I’ll put the pipe organ next to the robo-TV. I sleep next to a pepper grinder.

Animal Crossing was a special game, eating up countless happy hours of my adolescence as a sort of escape from the tribulations of the asocial gamer’s middle school existence. I approached New Leaf with no small amount of trepidation, worried that the well had been long since tapped dry; my notably short stint with Wild World only deepened my concern (though that could mainly be attributed to the sickening framerate).

It turns out that my fears were mostly unfounded — Animal Crossing: New Leaf injects a much needed shot of life into the franchise, and they did it just how I like it — by cramming in as many new and interesting features as they could. Some of them work wonderfully, others could have used more time in the oven. Regardless, the end product is one that will suck up hours by the dozens if you permit it’s colorful hooks to sink in. I suggest that you do.

And with that, I bid you adieu. My net has a date with Sheri’s skull.

I DRAW FIRST BLOOD